Change Leaders - Is Suffering a Choice?
While enjoying my usual Starbucks routine this morning, I had an unexpected conversation with a stranger.
An older gentleman sitting nearby asked what I was reading. Our small talk quickly turned into a much deeper conversation. He shared about his loss and grief then said:
“I believe pain is inevitable, but suffering is a choice.”
At first, I thought - What great wisdom! But as I sat with it more, I wondered - is it really true that suffering is a choice? Maybe, but it depends on how one defines suffering, and what kind of suffering is being experienced (physical, mental, emotional, etc.)
The definition I found is:
“Suffering is the state of undergoing pain, distress, or hardship.”
Based on this definition and my own life experiences, I don't agree that suffering is a choice. Why?
As a child growing up in a violent home, suffering was not a choice...
When I miscarried and lost my baby, suffering was not a choice...
Watching loved ones be overcome by trauma and addiction, suffering was inevitable.
Through my cancer journey—suffering was present, again not by choice.
And when my grandmother was murdered, our entire family suffered—not choosing to suffer, but because some pain in life causes suffering.
So, I would revise his statement about suffering being a choice to instead say:
"Suffering is inevitable, but prolonged suffering can become a choice."
Suffering will come, often uninvited, but prolonged suffering can become a choice you make (usually subconsciously) over time.
Suffering is part of being human in this world. It's not a choice; it's guaranteed to be a part of our experience in life.
What's key here is TIME -- how long you stay suffering...
As the cheeky saying goes: It's okay not to be OK, but it's not OK to stay that way."
What does suffering have to do with Change Leadership?
As change leaders:
We often carry pain that no one sees.
We're usually good at pushing through personal storms while helping others find calm.
Our sense of responsibility to improve conditions for people often drives us beyond our own limitations.
we often feel as if we're "fighting an uphill battle" and it's not uncommon for burnout, exhaustion and even despair to come knocking at our door...
So, we must be careful to protect our peace and maintain proper perspective about what's most important, especially amidst adversity and uncertainty.
And, at some point, we must deal with the reality of what is, accept what was, and choose to move forward, and to help others do the same.
Just as prolonged suffering becomes a choice, so can taking back your control and choosing joy - for yourself first, then help others do it for themselves, too.
5 Ways to Move Beyond Suffering as Champions of Change
If you find yourself and/or others languishing in the grip of prolonged suffering, here's a few ways you can help yourself and them move beyond the suffering.
Lead from authenticity, not perfection. People don't want a flawless leader—they need a real one. Sharing your humanity (with vulnerability and wisdom) builds trust.
Recognize when helping becomes enabling. It's not your job to fix everyone. Empower others by guiding—not rescuing—and model healthy responsibility.
Build regular recovery into your leadership rhythm. Whether it’s quiet mornings or scheduled PTO, protected time helps you refill so you can continue to pour out. And if you don't have one yet - get yourself a good therapist to support you when needed. Change agents, like social workers and other people-focused service roles, need help too.
Name the culture you're shaping. In challenging seasons, remember to pause, define, and articulate the kind of culture you’re building: one of grace, growth, and perseverance. Communicate it clearly and often.
Practice decision-making in the face of discomfort. Great leaders choose progress over paralysis—one step at a time, focusing on what's within their control rather than fixating on what's not.
Feeling inspired or encouraged? Forward this to the first colleague, leader, or friend that comes to your mind. And, as always, reach out with your thoughts.
